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BEING HUMAN
A Guide to What Matters

A major part of my life over the past eighteen years has been researching and writing what has become a series of three books. The main book has now been professionally edited, and bound copies of this Draft Version are now available to clients and others who request one. Reviews of the first draft edition were both very positive and very valuable in allowing me to produce a book that addresses some universal aspects of Being Human.

The book begins with an exploration of what we really want in life. My wish is for people to come to understand that in our search for happiness, our efforts are often misdirected. What we think will make us happy usually does not. Ultimately, what we all want is the experience of being fully, vibrantly alive, of being connected to ourselves, with others, and the world. I examine why we are so persistently inclined to direct our efforts towards promises of happiness that prove to be empty, and why we fiercely resist the very experiences that hold the key to our fulfillment. Painful and traumatic experiences that have occurred early in our lives, often before we can remember, leave us extremely reluctant to pursue what would really make us happy. Finally, I offer perspective on the path of healing and growth. All fruitful approaches to healing and growth, whether from different spiritual traditions or different schools of psychotherapy, promote a transformation in how we relate to ourselves and to others. This transformation fundamentally involves cultivating an attitude of wisdom and compassion.

Below is the Table of Contents.

SECTION 1: HAPPINESS AND ITS OBSTACLES 10

1. HEALTH, HAPPINESS, & RELATIONSHIP 11
We Have a Problem 11
Can We Become Happier? 15
What Do We Really Want? 17
Genuinely Healthy People 18
Characteristics of Healthy People 23
Responsive Aliveness 24
Self-Acceptance 28
Acceptance of Others 30
Relationship to Fear 34
Agency and Responsibility 36
Unity, Faith, & Meaning 38
Physically Healthy 48
Cautions 52
Conclusions 54

2. TRAUMA, DEFENSES, & DISEASE 57
Traumatic Stress 58
Trauma's Legacy 64
Why trauma endures 64
What we can't remember can still hurt us 70
Why is trauma in infancy and early childhood so potent? 71
Facing the Reality of Childhood Trauma 75
Sensitivity and Awareness in Babies 76
General awareness 77
Pain sensitivity 78
Learning and memory 79
What Traumatizes Babies and Children 81
The Trauma of Birth 89
Parents, Trauma, and Attachment 97
Patterns of parenting & patterns of attachment 102
Conclusions 105

3. THE LIFE LONG LEGACY OF EARLY TRAUMA 107
The "Stop" Feelings: Fear, Shame, and Pain 109
Flashbacks & Intrusion: Colouring My World 112
Avoiding: Defenses Against Feeling 118
Disconnection From Ourselves 119
Avoiding, Controlling, and Judging the World 123
Fight, Flight or Freeze 124
Pride and Blame: Defending Against Shame 126
Disconnection From Others: Avoidance and Fantasy 130
Shame, Self Hatred and the Fantasy of Connection 133
Illusions of Security 139
Conclusions 140
Here I Am Again - Trauma Repetition 140
Playing With Fire - Trauma's Excitement 141
Selection, Interpretation, and Provocation -
Recreating our Pasts 144
Set for Life: The Enduring Effects of Trauma and
Attachment 147
Early Trauma and Later Disease 149
Early Trauma and Mental Disorders 153
Anxiety and Sleep Disorders 155
Pain Disorders 155
Depression 156
Psychosis and Schizophrenia 158
Addiction 160
Anger and Violence 161
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder 162
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder 162
Conclusions and Reflections 163

SECTION 2: HEALING & GROWTH 167

4. HEALTHY PARENTING 169
Becoming a Healthy Parent 172
Principles of Healthy Parenting 180
Wanting and enjoying children 182
Empathy and Responsiveness 186
Protection 194
Offering Wisdom and Discipline 195
Your Grandchildren Will Thank You 228
Conclusions 228

5. CONSIDERATIONS FOR HEALING AND GROWTH 231
What has to Change 232
Evolution, not Revolution 236
Description or Prescription 239
Going Up or Going In 241
There are Many Roads 242
Practice the Practices 243

6. HEALING AND GROWTH FOR OURSELVES 245
I: Coming Alive 247
Feel What You Feel 247
Express Your Truth 256
Following Desires 263
Summary and Conclusions 276
II: Wisdom, Compassion, and Courage 277
Cultivate Self-Compassion 278
Courage to Face Our Fear 294
Grieve What Is Not 312
Summary and Conclusions 320
III: Avoidance: Closing the Exits 322
Accept What Is 322
Accepting Responsibility 328
Use Anger Constructively 336
Cultivate Compassion for Others 344
Summary and Conclusions 356

7. HEALING AND GROWTH IN RELATIONSHIPS 357
Love, Intimacy, and Communion 357
Hi Mommy! Hi Daddy! 362
Responsibility for Our Feelings 367
Love and Compassion 369
Expressing Our Truth 373
Letting it Out, Letting it In 375
Feedback: The Joys of Giving and Receiving 380
Time 382
Communication 383
Conclusions 386

8. THE BIG PICTURE 387

REFERENCES 393